I can squint myself down to like 20/30 vision.

I eat my peas one at a time.

I have man-hands.

I wanna be your latex salesman.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

I’m not gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I’m not a Nazi, I’m just a little eccentric, most geniuses are.

I don’t know what a write-off is.

Whenever a lesbian looks at me, they think "That’s why I’m not a heterosexual."

I’ve regifted…numerous times…without guilt either.

Without hesitation, I will push a giant ball of oil out of a window if it will solve the world’s energy problems.

This entire thing is capricious and arbitrary.

My fly is down.

I’ve actually flown too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.

I WOULD eat broccoli if it were deep fried in chocolate sauce.

It’s all about empty calories and male curiosity.

You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.

Every night feels like an Arby’s night.

I’m a strong supporter of The Human Fund.

My "B" has no "O".

I don’t buy umbrellas, I get them for free in those metal cans at coffee shops.

I tape Canadian parliament on C-Span.

Certified Mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.

If the pig-man had a car, he’d give you a ride.

Fugitive sex trumps all…

Great Show